My Alarm Clock, Hastings

There are people in this world, walking around, this very minute, who believe that alarm clocks are of next to no importance. These are the people that will shamefully use their alarm clock just to get them up in the morning; they’ll go to work and then forget all about them. Some won’t even stop there; they’ll go to work, and when it’s that time of the day when all office workers, all over North America, stand around the water cooler and gossip, they will humorously bring up the structural contour of their alarm clock and cheapen it to a plastic box and some wires. I cannot fathom the nerve of someone using their alarm clock just to move up a rung on the latter of office popularity. These people can choke on their Dixie cups for all I care. Why their Dixie cups would be that far in their mouths is beyond me. What I don’t understand is, do these people not realize that while they go about their day; their alarm clock is faithfully showing the time with that soft steady glow; green, red, and yes even blue? You might even be a complete moron and set the time wrong…does the alarm clock argue? No, it just sits there, knowing that you’re an idiot, but respecting you enough not to say anything.

I’ve had many alarm clocks in my life, ones that are plain and ones that are not so plain. I’ve come to realize that, I Brad, am a plain alarm clock type of guy. Does it make sense to put 25 buttons on an alarm clock, which has the sole purpose of simply…waking you up? I cannot think of anything more fun then groggily trying to reset one of these alarm clocks in the middle of the night. I end up changing the radio station, opening the garage door, and launching nuclear warheads from the Pentagon. Alarm clocks should not have that many options! I don’t even want an alarm clock that wakes me up to the tune of Frere-Jacques; some people thrive on these types of annoying gadgets, like those mugs that play happy birthday every time you lift it to take a drink… “oh please, I have to listen to it just once more, I didn’t hear it that last 347 times!” I don’t understand this. When it all comes down to it, all I want is an alarm clock that will wake me up on time, with a simple, strong, crisp beep; is that too much to ask?

But I warn you, I have ventured into the dark wastelands of over-simplicity. I, at one time, at a very young age, had a wind-up alarm clock. It sported the gigantic brass bells, and the even more gigantic hammer intimidatingly hanging overtop. Lets just say, that one only slept in my room one night. As the deafening clang of the bells pierced the four walls of my room, a seven-year-old boy wet the four corners of his bed. Never before have I ever been so rudely awakened in my life; it even beat my mom’s early “Good Morning To You” song…and that time I woke in the tub.

Maybe you’ve read this far, and your saying “Brad, will you ever find an alarm clock that is a perfect match for your personality?” Well thank you Hank; that is a great question. It’s funny you ask that, because I have recently found the alarm clock of my dreams. It is very rare that someone will ever find an alarm clock that they are completely and hopelessly in love with. I discovered it right when I was at the peak of my annoyance with these new fancy fandangled alarm clocks. I thought that there was no such thing as a perfect alarm clock, but I was proved wrong. There it was, at a garage sale, sitting on top of a velvet painting of Pierre Trudeau, needless to say, but I’ll say it anyway; it was love at first sight. It was, and still is, a General Electric, Electronic Digital FM/AM Clock Radio, model number 7-4634B and it is “kickin" it in the 80’s” as they say. I have recently named it “Hastings” due to the fake wood paneling on the top, which automatically ups the value, and gives it a hint of sophistication. The reason I find so much joy in Hastings, is that he is a simple alarm clock. My last alarm clock “Paininthebutt” would try to gradually wake me up in the morning with a soft beep that would grow into a sound that resembled a rat getting his legs waxed in a wood chipper. I’ll spare you the gory details; although I will say that while walking down the street, showering, or eating different varieties of yogurt, I would hear soft beeps in my head that would give me the sudden urge to get out of a bed and turn off an alarm clock somewhere… anywhere!

Sincerely - Brad