Tea

Tea…a hot drink made by infusing the dried, crushed leaves of the tea plant in boiling water. In my opinion, tea has always had an air of sophistication. In a good deal of spy films that I have seen, and I have seen a few, the devilishly good-looking, yet mentally unhinged villain can be found at some point in the film, sitting in his leather armchair while he makes for himself a steaming cup of orange pekoe. And in the warmth of that cup, he waits for the hero to find his way through the well booby-trapped labyrinth. Every time I watch the steam dance up to the smug look on yet another villain’s face, something in me says “well…he’s not that insane, he drinks tea…and in a cup small enough to host Strawberry Shortcake.” The smaller the tea cup the less psychotic this man becomes in my mind. Not even a quarter way through the movie, this madman has already killed several people, smothered helpless puppies, and most likely eaten grapes unpaid for at the supermarket. Yet even after the dust has cleared from the stampede of his corruption, I still find some sense of sanity left in him. Just the very fact that this man has more than likely drooled all over himself as a result of laughing too evilly, should give me a big enough hint that he is too far gone. Whether there is still hope for the criminal mind that drinks tea is beyond me.

The issue of whether tea changes only the mere constitution of a man or whether it indeed transforms the very soul of him is not what I had planned on discussing. The real issue here is that of my taste buds. They have recently brought to my attention the alarming absence of taste that tea has not brought with it, on its occasional visits to my mouth. A lack of taste in food or drink that is deceivingly made to look tasty is a slap in the face, and thus deserves a slap in return.

I have tried many varieties of teas in my day: herbal tea, black tea, chamomile tea, fruity tea, and yes even the oh so overrated Sleepytime tea…what is that all about? I say a waste of a good tea bag! I would have an easier time falling asleep in a 24 hour Wal-Mart in the heart of Hong Kong. My case today is against fruity teas. Fruity teas have never had an overwhelming amount of taste, like a fruit juice would. Yet too often, I have seen tea companies use names that advertise their product that would put Kool-Aid to shame. Lemon Zinger, Mint Magic, Mandarin Orange Spice, Tropic of Raspberry; do any of these ring a bell? I’m surprised I haven’t heard Strawberry Seizure, Honeydew Heart Attack, or Blow Your Head Off Blueberry. I have never had any one of those experiences when drinking tea…except for that time at that wedding, when I gulped my hot tea thinking it was iced tea…that’ll turn some heads. Tell me tea lovers, where has the taste gone? Why does it no longer grace us with its delicious presence? I bet zucchini, low fat yogurt, and Melba Toast are all wondering the same thing. And why shouldn’t they, food is meant to have taste! I say, don’t let taste go to waste, put some in a paste and…let tasteless foods feel shamefaced? My apologies that was horrible, I obviously need to work on that.

Until a cup of tea can make me feel like becoming a fruitarian, in spite of the obvious fact that eating only fruit would have gravely explosive consequences, I cannot pledge my allegiance to these tea companies, and their futile attempts to make the world a more sophisticated and tasteless place. DON’T WASTE TASTE! DON’T WASTE TASTE! ALL TOGETHER NOW!

Raising a fist in protest - Brad